Inshallah

"She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'Why?,' and she said, 'Because I am so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you".

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Gosh darnit, I wasnt going to blog tonight. I spent the evening counting my blessings, realizing that I am so little to complain about, and then complaining about it anyway. I had curled myself into bed, pulled the covers to my chin and commited myself to knocking out another noticable chunk of 'The Kite Runner'. I was going to read for a few minutes and then close my eyes and fall asleep.

Then, Amir crossed paths with an old professor who knew his mother. The last thing the old professor remembered Amir's mother saying to him was the above passage. "Happiness like this is frightening... They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something away from you".

I feel like I'm on the other end of that fear. Perhaps spending an evening laughing myself into a stomachache listening to my dad tell his stories was the start of my melancholy being taken away from me. I left dinner tonight with a huge sadness that I only had a few hours tonight with my parents and I only have a few days more with them. Over the course of the night I was entirely submersed in them and their love. But, as soon as I got back in my car to drive south my doubt grabbed hold and counted the remaining hours for me.

If Amir's mother was at the top of happiness, I am far from the bottom of sadness. There are still layers of bad news I'd have to find myself in before I admitted hitting 'rock bottom': anti-depressants, reactivating my WoW account, etc. But, why does my masochistic hopefulness find something to cling to in the above passage?

Spoiler alert: As the reader, I know something bad happens to Amir's mom. First off, it's been mentioned several times that she died in Amir's bearing. Second off, she is mentioned being pregnant just before the above passage is read. Third off, irony demands that something bad happens when admitting that everything is going oh-so-right. Think of any soldier in any war movie who carries a picture of his wife into every battle: You know that black and white photo is the last image he'll see of her.

Because if something bad happens to her when she is feeling so good, something good has to happen to me when I am feeling so bad. Right? That's the way the world works, isn't it? All of this self-doubt and druggery is going to climax into a wonder I can't describe just as all the blessings and happiness spiraled into the horror Sofia couldn't predict. That has to be it! That's why my parent's are here visiting, to help me begin this new chapter of untold joys!

There are two possible outcomes here: either the world is in order and my psyche is about to grab my hand and pull me from the hole I've been digging or another self-defense mechanism is about to be shattered while my psyche dumps a fresh layer of cynism on me.

Damn. I wish I wasn't a betting man.