Swept into the Sea

This blog thing is wildly inaccurate. The day/time that you're blog is "posted" under is actually the day/time that you begin writing the blog: not when you push 'Publish'. I started this blog, then went to go use the restroom, read a chapter of 'The Kite Runner' and now I am back well past midnight. Yet, this blogger thing is going to read 'Saturday, April 3rd'. You watch.

Anyone else offended? Up in arms? Want to take the streets with pitchforks and torches?

Yeah, me neither.

I cried tonight during Mass. I've teared up at certain sections each of the last two nights, but tonight it was tears coming down my cheeks. Not quite sobbing in the pews, but my myriad of themes, problems, issues, joys, doubts, frustrations, hopes were all pushed aside as I realized:

I've been with Melissa through this entire 6+ year process.

Here I am, wondering every day and every night as to whether anything I am doing now is making a lick of difference in the foreseeable future. And, sitting right next to me, is the culmination of a friendship that's lasted over a half-decade. All of our smiles and laughter and hugs and awkward moments and jealousies and small fights and coffee dates and sitting in cars listening to music and differences and indifferences and all of our love has manifested into this infinitesimal second of huge significance.

But, of course, now that the music has faded and a much-more-awkward-than-anticipated reception has passed my pride and joy is melting into one question:

What else am I working on?

It would be wrong to say that I was 'working' on Melissa. The beautiful thing about the moment of her confirmation was me realizing how little I had been involved. All I did was answer a few of her questions and be a stubborn ass when other people told me I was wrong. It has been her path this entire time and I have been fortunate to be walking so near to her. But, I will say a lot of untrue things before I take any kind of credit for her confirmation.

But, what else am I working on? What else is slowly morphing itself into something beautiful that will come to fruition years from now? I can't imagine it's my drumming. I don't see my time in admissions setting me up for my 'big break' into the corporate world.

I was told today (for the second time in three nights) that I have a decent voice. I've really enjoyed singing a lot of the Easter songs: they are significantly underrated compared to Christmas tunes... But, seriously! Where is that going? I'm going to join the choir soon?

I'm afraid I'm not working on anything. I can't see more than about fifteen minutes into the future nowadays and even that superpower isn't very reliable. The one thing I know for a fact that is changing is my demeanor. Beth called me out on it the other night. My cheerfulness has an edge to it. It is cheer without happiness. It is cheer slathering itself in cynicism.

My favorite song tonight was a diddy with a more traditional Jewish sound and tempo to it:

"Sing a song of freedom, God has won the victory.
Horse and chariot are cast into the sea.

Sing a song of freedom, God has won the victory.
Horse and chariot are cast into the sea.

Horse and chariot,
Fear and lonliness,
Death and emptiness,
Horse and Chariot are cast into the sea.

Horse and chariot,
Hate and prejudice,
Chains and slavery,
Horse and chariot are cast into the sea."

The cheerful part of me clapped my hands and swayed to and for.

The rest of me sits here and wonders: 'What else is left?'