Sorry, Bryce. I really did have a good idea in my head when I left work earlier today. I had a title, an idea for the body; the blog had almost written itself. Then, the evening hours came.
It looked like it was going to start off well: I was walking around to meet a friend for dinner at 6pm and it was still light outside. Light. Outside. At 6pm. I half assumed that I'd need a flashlight on my way out of the gym 'cause I've just fallen into the routine of expecting it to be pitch when I leave campus after work.
That last paragraph begins like the night is about to take a turn for the worst. But, the truth of the matter is that I spent my last night as a 24 year old with one of my closest friends. We had burritos, went to a class to learn about Catholicism, and then sat in her car in my driveway as we exchanged truly meaningful inquiries and comments.
I like to think that there have been a number of good opportunities for great conversation in the last week or so. A smattering of examples that would occupy all but one finger on my counting hand immediately spring to mind.
This was deeper than that. This reminded me that I am far more than the words I speak, even far more than the thoughts I think. This reminded me that 25 is not the number after 24 or even before 26. 25 is the cumulation of 1, 2, 3, 4... et cetera.
I have doubts. I have fears. I push past the future of those on a daily basis to put on the optimism I have such complete mastery of in every moment of every day.
By doing so, I've also pushed past the events that have brought me to this place. I'm so caught up in postponing the inevitable and focusing on making the moments of today worthwhile that I've disintegrated my memory of the ways I've impacted people. Which, is funny, because the title I was going to use in my original post was going to be 'One Less 24 Year Old in the World'. That may still happen.
So, this has turned into a series of thoughts. Maybe someone would describe it as a blog. I apologize at the beginning because I was intending to produce a declaration of conquering and instead it has transpired into a treatise on hollowness.
I.
Will.
Try.
Not.
To.
Lose.
Control.
This makes me want to have a good long conversation with you.
ReplyDeleteI think we should. Like, tonight. With house dinner and Barn trivia afterward. =)
ReplyDeleteAs a slight correction, I need to change the very ending here. 'treatise on hollowness' isn't accurate enough of what this blog is. I certainly went through the spectrum of empty to full and back again last night over the course of the night. But, at the end of it all, the final line should be:
I apologize at the beginning of this blog because I was intending to write a declaration of conquering and instead is has transpired into a treatise on distinguishing between hollowness and depth.
Well, sign me up for that list of people who want a piece of your time. You know, even if it's just rock band (just?! hah!). Because I really appreciate you more and more with pretty much ever interaction I have. Thanks for sharing your fears, hopes, struggles, etc.
ReplyDelete